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00:00:19,550 --> 00:00:27,159
Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

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00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:30,699
Indeed it is. And in a packed program
tonight, we shall be talking to a

3
00:00:30,700 --> 00:00:34,499
lumberjack and his mathematician bride
-to -be who plan to use the logarithm

4
00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:35,550
method.

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00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:40,780
We'll also be meeting a man who sat down
on a lavatory that wasn't there.

6
00:00:40,781 --> 00:00:44,009
And he'll be telling us that with the
benefit of hindsight, he wouldn't have

7
00:00:44,010 --> 00:00:45,060
done it.

8
00:00:47,870 --> 00:00:49,030
But first, the news.

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00:00:49,290 --> 00:00:53,190
Mrs. Thatcher has announced a new plan
for dealing with the EEC butter

10
00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:56,300
She's inviting all her friends around
for sandwiches.

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00:00:57,270 --> 00:01:02,170
Bad news tonight, though. From the
financially embarrassed Winchelty dogs'

12
00:01:02,310 --> 00:01:04,660
they've had to call in the official
retriever.

13
00:01:04,661 --> 00:01:10,069
At a buffet lunch at the Savoy Hotel
today, Sophie Caldicott was declared

14
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,929
Britain's most elegant woman, whilst F
Dashwood Stumblebum, who fell into the

15
00:01:13,930 --> 00:01:16,460
mayonnaise, became Britain's best
-dressed man.

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00:01:17,930 --> 00:01:23,109
News has just come in that Professor
Quentin Grubb, the Blackpool

17
00:01:23,110 --> 00:01:27,850
who specialises in reading between the
lines, has just been run over by a tram.

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00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:35,879
News of a forthcoming happy event
tonight from the home of recently

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00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:40,000
teabag heiress Arabella Mazzuati and
sugar king Rodney Sprong.

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00:01:40,540 --> 00:01:43,910
However, doctors can't say whether it's
going to be one lump or two.

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00:01:45,580 --> 00:01:51,499
An American gossip columnist revealed
today that Dolly Parton has lost two

22
00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:53,380
in weight all from the same place.

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She's thrown away her wig.

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It's been a frustrating week for Lizzie
Lumpsharf, the sorry woman who can't

25
00:02:01,530 --> 00:02:03,509
tell the difference between Tupperware
and underwear.

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00:02:03,510 --> 00:02:05,370
She can't get the lid off her knickers.

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00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:12,270
And now a sketch about ice hockey in
which Mr Ronnie Corbett stars as Puck.

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What ho, Bagley? How are you diddling,
you dirty old devil?

29
00:02:26,161 --> 00:02:28,999
Well, fair to middling. Is there any
more?

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Middling, diddling. Jolly nice. Yes,
very nice. Who is the lovely? I, on the

31
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other hand, find things getting on top
of me at the moment. Oh, me too.

32
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,619
Yes, really? Are things getting on top
of you? Oh, no, sorry. We haven't been

33
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introduced yet. Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
This is Arthur Bagley. This is Annika

34
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,210
from Finland.

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00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:45,470
Ah, hello.

36
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Nice to meet you.

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Don't get something to eat, will you, my
dear? That's right. Up there. Up there

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somewhere. Yes.

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Forgive my... Go easy on the garlic
bread, though, won't you, darling? Go

40
00:02:59,490 --> 00:03:01,389
on the garlic bread. That's a bit of a
giveaway.

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00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:04,609
Well, you know what they say. A moment
in the mouth and a lifetime on the

42
00:03:04,610 --> 00:03:11,009
breath. Is she then... Is she... Are
you... What? Are you and she... What do

43
00:03:11,010 --> 00:03:12,690
mean? Are you and she... What?

44
00:03:13,430 --> 00:03:14,570
Close? Close?

45
00:03:14,770 --> 00:03:17,190
You and she, are you going around
together?

46
00:03:17,490 --> 00:03:18,750
I mean, are you together?

47
00:03:18,930 --> 00:03:21,400
What? Are you together? Together? Are
you... What?

48
00:03:21,650 --> 00:03:23,750
Are you and she... Are you linked?

49
00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:31,110
What do you mean? Index link? I mean, is
she with? Are you with? Is she with?

50
00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:32,330
Is she with you?

51
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:34,680
No, no, no. No, she's over there, you
see.

52
00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:38,649
She doesn't mind. She can go anywhere.
She's struck out on her own, you see.

53
00:03:38,650 --> 00:03:42,169
There she is, putting her cigarette out
in the avocado dip by the look of it.

54
00:03:42,170 --> 00:03:45,240
No, you're not with me. Yes, I'm with
you, and she's over there.

55
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:49,630
No, you're not grasping my meaning. Ah,
well, what do you mean? I mean, are you,

56
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you know, are you a couple? Are you...

57
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:55,240
A couple of what?

58
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Are you going around?

59
00:03:58,450 --> 00:04:00,130
I mean, are you... I don't think so, no.

60
00:04:00,970 --> 00:04:05,949
Not to put too fine a point in it. Yes.
Try and spell it out in words of less

61
00:04:05,950 --> 00:04:09,370
than two syllables. Are you... Are you
walking out?

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Just arrived, old chap.

63
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No, no, I don't mean that. I mean, are
you...

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Don't you understand? You and she...
Yes. You and she are obviously... You

65
00:04:25,930 --> 00:04:30,949
you're obviously... You get on. You
fond... Are you... Have I got to draw a

66
00:04:30,950 --> 00:04:33,120
diagram? Well, it seems it might help,
yes.

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00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:38,529
After tonight's party, when it finishes,
the party, you will leave it with

68
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Annika. Yes. You will leave together.

69
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Mm -hmm.

70
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:43,630
Yes. You will go home together. Oh, yes,
yes, yes.

71
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,110
Yes, yes. You will climb the stairs
together.

72
00:04:46,111 --> 00:04:49,479
Yes, yes, we will, yes. And at the top
of the stairs, you will turn in the same

73
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direction. Well, you have to. If you
turn the other way, you fall out of the

74
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window.

75
00:04:53,580 --> 00:04:56,880
Then you will go through the door
together.

76
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No, no, no. Why not?

77
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,520
We take turns to go into the bathroom.

78
00:05:00,521 --> 00:05:04,019
After the bathroom, you will go into the
bedroom together.

79
00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:05,120
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

80
00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:08,580
Then you will... You climb on the bed.

81
00:05:08,581 --> 00:05:14,199
Oh, we might, we might. Yes, we might.
What do you mean, you might? We might.

82
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,059
Well, all right, we probably will. Yes,
we will. Well, we will. Yes, I will.

83
00:05:17,060 --> 00:05:20,480
Yes, we will. Then you'll climb with me.
Then you will extend an arm. No.

84
00:05:20,481 --> 00:05:24,319
No? No, no, no. What do you mean? What
do I do? I shall go straight to sleep.

85
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,079
Oh, sorry. I'm not going to believe that
for one minute. No, I do. As soon as my

86
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,219
head touches the pillow, I go straight
to sleep.

87
00:05:29,220 --> 00:05:33,879
Well, I just... You mean you don't... I
mean, you... With all that... I mean,

88
00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:39,060
no... You won't... You don't... Well,
why not?

89
00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:42,110
Well... I'm like you. I don't know what
you call it either.

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00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:52,999
This is Elaine King's one of those songs
that we all seem to be able to hum, but

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can't quite remember the title of.
Perhaps its simple theme makes its

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everlasting.

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00:05:59,340 --> 00:06:00,390
Unchained Melody.

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00:06:20,170 --> 00:06:21,220
Oh.

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00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:02,939
in the 21st century. What will it be
like? Well, we in the government have

96
00:10:02,940 --> 00:10:07,639
together various economic forecasters
with their crystal balls and one or two

97
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:13,559
with glass eyes to look into the future.
Now, over the next 20 years, high

98
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:18,440
technology will gradually replace
natural manpower in all walks of life.

99
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:22,840
Now, here, for example, is the new
microchip Tom O 'Connor.

100
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:32,979
Very simple to operate, and at £20 each,
only twice as expensive as the real

101
00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:34,030
thing.

102
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:38,220
Of course, by reversing the current, it
becomes John Inman.

103
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:49,959
Now, the new generation of

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00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,700
metallic performers will replace the
wooden ones currently in use on

105
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All actors will have to be oiled before
going on stage.

106
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,410
Or in the case of Oliver Reed, well
oiled.

107
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,820
What else can we expect in the way of
entertainment? Well, Bernard Manning,

108
00:11:05,860 --> 00:11:08,210
who's always been in the way of
entertainment.

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00:11:08,940 --> 00:11:12,919
The advent of cable and satellite TV
will give you a much wider range of

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00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,000
television programs.

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00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:19,979
By the year 2000, you'll be able to
choose from 567 different channels using

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00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:22,080
this handy remote control device.

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00:11:40,910 --> 00:11:46,690
© BF -WATCH TV 2021

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00:11:53,701 --> 00:12:01,229
Recreation? Well, research shows that by
the end of the century, sex will be

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00:12:01,230 --> 00:12:02,350
replaced by snooker.

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As man's favourite pastime, that is.

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This won't make a great deal of
difference, although some men will need

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rest.

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00:12:13,510 --> 00:12:15,680
Others, of course, will need a longer
vest.

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00:12:16,930 --> 00:12:22,549
But what about the elderly? Now, 85
-year -old Mr Arthur Cretis of Didcot

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00:12:22,550 --> 00:12:24,150
to me here, as follows.

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00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:28,579
Sir, when are the government going to...
Stop ignoring Britain's old -age

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00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:29,630
pensioners.

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00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,550
Next.

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00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:39,659
What will be left of Britain's green
belt? Well, here, over here, is a bird's

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00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:40,439
-eye view.

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00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:44,999
Oh, no, sorry. That's a bird's -eye pee.
I'm always... Now, as

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00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:51,819
you can see, all that's left of our
unspoiled countryside will be this

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00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:55,540
25 -acre golf course here in my back
garden in Surrey.

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00:12:57,450 --> 00:12:59,620
will be shot, but only if they're in
season.

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00:13:00,670 --> 00:13:04,989
What can we expect from the National
Health Service? Well, due to stringent

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medical standards, no one will be
admitted to hospital unless they are 100

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00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:12,670
fit. This will unfortunately lead to
slight delays in treatment.

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00:13:13,010 --> 00:13:16,629
Migraine sufferers may have to put up
with a little pain in the head, and

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00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:20,000
lumbago sufferers will have to put up
with a little pain in the back.

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00:13:20,110 --> 00:13:23,909
Hemorrhoid sufferers will receive...
They will receive a visit from John

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00:13:23,910 --> 00:13:24,960
McEnroe.

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00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:37,759
politics will become much more
commercialised, and by the end of the

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00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:41,430
could see a House of Commons sponsored
entirely by Andrews Liverthorpe.

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00:13:42,140 --> 00:13:44,850
This will greatly speed up the passing
of amendments.

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00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:49,530
Parliament will be dissolved every four
hours in a glass of water.

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00:13:49,531 --> 00:13:53,179
Office conditions throughout Whitehall
will be vastly improved.

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00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:56,919
It's estimated that six out of every ten
civil servants will have their own

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00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,280
polished mahogany desk.

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00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:01,600
And four out of ten will have a
secretary on top of that.

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00:14:01,601 --> 00:14:08,239
and by then, of course, will be replaced
by clockwork models, so their

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00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,010
secretaries will each be issued with one
of these keys.

148
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:13,000
And that just about winds it up.

149
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:15,880
And if it doesn't, you may need a bigger
key.

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00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,210
Goodbye.

151
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:30,599
A day at

152
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:34,300
the races is such an oasis of pleasure
and frolics and fun.

153
00:14:34,910 --> 00:14:39,630
We pick out the fillies in their summer
frillies, parading around in the sun.

154
00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:44,589
We visit the best of the British race
courses, but we don't waste time on

155
00:14:44,590 --> 00:14:46,570
inspecting the horses. There's more fun.

156
00:14:46,950 --> 00:14:50,210
Oh, there's a nice one. The one with her
skirt grown a lot.

157
00:14:50,610 --> 00:14:55,330
She looks for all round, so whatever the
ground, the going is bound to be soft.

158
00:14:56,230 --> 00:15:00,329
I said to her mother once, care to go
flat racing? She said, certainly, your

159
00:15:00,330 --> 00:15:01,380
flat or mine.

160
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,999
I lay six to four. She's been hunting
before. Don't her wiggles and fetlocks

161
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:11,599
trims. Yes, but don't get too cocky.
She's here with her jockey. I must say I

162
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:12,650
don't fancy him.

163
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:17,059
With that nose and that chin, he looks
non -compassmentous. I'm sure she's

164
00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:18,500
that he's just an apprentice.

165
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,839
Ah, too true.

166
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:23,210
But there's others on view. Number
three's wearing blinkers, I see.

167
00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:27,819
She's here with Lord Melding. I think
he's a gelding. That leaves the field

168
00:15:27,820 --> 00:15:28,870
for me.

169
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,630
I think I'll take along my camera in
case she fancies the photo finish. Oh,

170
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:40,500
the one in the spot is Miss Caroline
Potts. She's an 18 -year -old and

171
00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:42,120
Been out once before.

172
00:15:42,340 --> 00:15:45,500
Has good teeth. They say she's a
promising ride.

173
00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:50,999
She's parading. My God, she looks
stunning. I saw her at Windsor. She

174
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,379
of running and, by God, goes well for a
lad, though her breeding's not really

175
00:15:55,380 --> 00:15:56,430
top draw.

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00:15:56,730 --> 00:16:00,289
Out of Mrs. Potts? Right. By her dad?
No, not quite. We all think it's the

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00:16:00,290 --> 00:16:01,340
bookie next door.

178
00:16:01,341 --> 00:16:05,049
Spent the night with her Auntie Susan,
you know.

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00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:06,049
Slept, you mean?

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00:16:06,050 --> 00:16:07,100
Not a wink.

181
00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:12,849
The one in the blinkers, that's old
Henry Tinker's young maiden. She goes

182
00:16:12,850 --> 00:16:17,949
fast. She's quite a nice filly. Until
she gets silly, then always falls flat

183
00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:19,000
the lock.

184
00:16:19,001 --> 00:16:22,839
She just can't hold her back. When she
goes, you can't stop her. A real racing

185
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,620
certainty, she'll come a cropper. Her
name's Pam.

186
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:30,759
Takes after her dam. Good breeding. It's
all in the blood. I once knew her

187
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:34,120
mother in somewhere or other by George.
She went well in the mud.

188
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:38,280
Can I tell you, my wife caught me with a
young filly behind the hedge.

189
00:16:38,281 --> 00:16:40,359
Beecher's broker, as a matter of fact.

190
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,659
Took me to court over it. Really? What
happened? I asked for seven other fences

191
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:45,220
to be taken into consideration.

192
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:51,159
Just look at that cutie. A thoroughbred
beauty. She must be the favourite. It's

193
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,340
plain. Her form, it looks great. Just a
bit overweight.

194
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,870
Look, her breastplate is feeling the
strain.

195
00:16:57,060 --> 00:17:01,739
She's too much to carry. I wouldn't say
that, sir. You wouldn't describe her as

196
00:17:01,740 --> 00:17:06,159
one for the flat, sir? I say that. She's
adjusting her straps. And she's hanging

197
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,210
a bit to the right.

198
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:09,200
Now she's started to cough.

199
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,240
Good Lord, are they off? No, no, but
they will be tonight.

200
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,050
cold outside.

201
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,680
The coldest summer we've had since last
winter.

202
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,580
I saw the gardener in the vegetable
patch.

203
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:00,400
He was frozen to the marrow.

204
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:05,280
Took the fire up, Ivan Sanovovich.

205
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:14,020
I heard a kalinka as I was crossing the
square.

206
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,880
I think it was the brass monkeys on the
town hall gates.

207
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,440
Never mind this door.

208
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,180
We'll keep the cold out.

209
00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:24,640
It's a wonderful door.

210
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,140
Came all the way from Vladivostok.

211
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,880
I know. I carried it myself.

212
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:34,060
You should be doing the fetching and the
carrying and the logs. I'm so tired.

213
00:18:34,540 --> 00:18:36,580
You are more masculine than me.

214
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,890
That's not what the Olympic selection
committee says.

215
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,920
A bunch of old women. Who gives a shot
for what they think?

216
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,180
Let us have some tea.

217
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:59,199
You know, Ivan Sinovich, life is like

218
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,250
a cup of tea.

219
00:19:00,580 --> 00:19:01,630
Why, dear?

220
00:19:01,631 --> 00:19:02,559
Why what?

221
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:06,380
Why you say life is like a cup of tea?
How do I know? What am I, a philosopher?

222
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,820
Where is our daughter, Tanya?

223
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:15,900
She has gone for a sleigh ride with
Sasha Skrachanich. But the chemist's

224
00:19:16,220 --> 00:19:18,200
The chemist's son from the village.

225
00:19:18,730 --> 00:19:19,790
I don't like him.

226
00:19:20,050 --> 00:19:25,370
He's a nice boy. He's honest, polite.
He's a good match for our daughter.

227
00:19:25,650 --> 00:19:29,450
There's nothing wrong with him. You're
forgetting one thing. He limps.

228
00:19:29,650 --> 00:19:30,810
Only when he walks.

229
00:19:32,810 --> 00:19:35,190
I prefer Dossa Diggadidge.

230
00:19:35,710 --> 00:19:37,250
The council worker?

231
00:19:37,570 --> 00:19:39,850
I think he is a spy.

232
00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:42,770
He asked me what I thought of Red China.

233
00:19:42,771 --> 00:19:46,769
What did you tell him? Well, I thought
maybe on a yellow tablecloth he would be

234
00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:47,820
very pretty.

235
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,100
find my spare pair of socks.

236
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,040
I have put them in the safe place.

237
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:56,410
Where have you put them? I can't
remember.

238
00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:59,300
No matter, they were dirty anyway.

239
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:03,480
This tea is good. It's warm, it's
strong, it's brown.

240
00:20:04,380 --> 00:20:05,900
Just like my old socks.

241
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,130
Now I remember where they put them in
the summer.

242
00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:11,820
There we are, look.

243
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,540
You like another cup?

244
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,620
I must go and feed the chickens. And
what about the pigs?

245
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,120
I have no food for the pigs. But the
pigs are hungry too.

246
00:20:21,380 --> 00:20:22,640
I will think of something.

247
00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:32,540
It's still snowing out here. It's very
cold.

248
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:33,930
We'll shut the door.

249
00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:36,160
We'll freeze to death.

250
00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:38,760
What are you doing?

251
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,700
I said shut the bloody Vostok door.

252
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:01,640
We're not on the phone.

253
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,620
Sir, did you see the chickens?

254
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,780
Yes, I fed them to the pigs.

255
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:14,120
But what about the eggs? Pigs don't lay
eggs. Chickens don't lay bacon.

256
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:20,139
Have you noticed it's stopped snowing?
Yes. The storm has passed over. Yes,

257
00:21:20,140 --> 00:21:21,520
passed over to this side now.

258
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:30,229
Sir, I think it's time to settle down
for the evening. Such long winter

259
00:21:30,230 --> 00:21:32,410
we have, Ivan Sonovovich.

260
00:21:32,670 --> 00:21:35,390
What shall we do this long winter
evening?

261
00:21:35,690 --> 00:21:40,050
The same as we do every long winter
evening, my little mamushka.

262
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:41,990
Call me Moosh.

263
00:21:42,590 --> 00:21:46,170
Come, let's say goodnight to our little
children.

264
00:21:47,230 --> 00:21:48,570
Goodnight, Vanya.

265
00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:51,390
Goodnight, Anya. Goodnight, Andre.

266
00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:54,230
Goodnight, Lubin. Goodnight, Leon.

267
00:21:54,530 --> 00:21:55,930
Goodnight, Solent.

268
00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,170
George Ringo.

269
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,150
Good night, Andrew. Good night, Lloyd.
Good night, Weber.

270
00:22:03,060 --> 00:22:04,240
Good night, Freeman.

271
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:07,280
Good night, Hardy. Good night, Willis.
Good night, Ken.

272
00:22:07,580 --> 00:22:08,840
Good night, Livingstone.

273
00:22:08,940 --> 00:22:10,800
Good night, Janet. Good night, Street.

274
00:22:10,801 --> 00:22:11,879
Good night, Porter.

275
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,290
There's no night, Porter. Oh, I keep my
own shoes.

276
00:22:19,060 --> 00:22:22,020
Thank you very much and welcome.

277
00:22:22,570 --> 00:22:24,370
to Ronnie Corbett's world of comedy.

278
00:22:25,430 --> 00:22:27,230
I know, it's a small world, isn't it?

279
00:22:27,610 --> 00:22:33,089
No, cynics may scoff, but I am actually,
to be honest, held in very high esteem

280
00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:38,649
within this company. I mean, here at the
BBC, I'm rather sort of placed on a

281
00:22:38,650 --> 00:22:39,700
pedestal.

282
00:22:39,701 --> 00:22:43,189
So they can see where the voice is
coming from, I suppose.

283
00:22:43,190 --> 00:22:46,369
But that's really the wonderful thing
about working for the BBC.

284
00:22:46,370 --> 00:22:47,610
You get this feeling...

285
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:48,920
you know, of status.

286
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:53,840
They give you the total respect with
which they treat your work.

287
00:22:54,760 --> 00:23:01,699
You get this deep feeling of reverence
and respect for what you're trying to

288
00:23:01,700 --> 00:23:07,399
do. And that indefinable sort of sense
of warmth and courtesy, the deep

289
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:12,960
veneration, which, let's be honest, they
don't give a monkey's.

290
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:15,500
So much for status.

291
00:23:16,270 --> 00:23:19,730
You think I've got problems. That was
the controller of BBC One.

292
00:23:21,270 --> 00:23:22,320
Here it is.

293
00:23:22,370 --> 00:23:25,570
Here it is. A very funny joke by the
Scotsman.

294
00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:30,849
And by the way, a little wave to my own
relatives up in Scotland, because all

295
00:23:30,850 --> 00:23:34,289
this folk in Gillan up there, because
we've just had another sad death in the

296
00:23:34,290 --> 00:23:35,249
family, I'm afraid.

297
00:23:35,250 --> 00:23:39,629
I don't know why I'm waving, but anyway,
just my great -uncle Hamish, who was 35

298
00:23:39,630 --> 00:23:41,890
years a local bus driver.

299
00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:45,470
At his funeral, we had to wait 47
minutes for the coffin.

300
00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:48,380
Then three came at once.

301
00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:53,900
It was in a very remote area.

302
00:23:54,260 --> 00:23:57,820
The local branch of Express Dairies was
a cow and a skateboard.

303
00:23:59,700 --> 00:24:05,759
I remember them all very vividly. My
young cousin, Gloria, who went to London

304
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,460
search of a sugar daddy, came back with
a jelly baby.

305
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,170
There were two jokes there, I didn't
realise.

306
00:24:15,380 --> 00:24:18,500
My old grandad, he was a local coal
miner.

307
00:24:18,501 --> 00:24:22,079
And as he got older, he could only stay
underground for very short periods of

308
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:25,320
time. They eventually had to lure him
down the pit on a yo -yo.

309
00:24:25,321 --> 00:24:31,359
In those days, they were so militant,
they wouldn't pick their noses without a

310
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:32,980
productivity bonus per patient.

311
00:24:34,660 --> 00:24:39,880
In his early days, he had been a very
famous explorer in India.

312
00:24:39,881 --> 00:24:44,099
Out of a party of 20 people, he was the
only one who managed to get over the

313
00:24:44,100 --> 00:24:45,150
rapids.

314
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,330
I blame all the curry myself, but
anyway.

315
00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:49,660
Now, back to this joke.

316
00:24:50,300 --> 00:24:55,319
Back to the joke which my agent picked
up for me while he was in Bournemouth

317
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,700
watching the Crankies.

318
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,510
Now, why he was at the Liberal Party
conference, I don't know.

319
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:06,740
He is actually a very remarkable man, my
agent. Very careful with money.

320
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,030
As a child, he taught his piggy bank to
sit up and beg.

321
00:25:11,300 --> 00:25:15,280
In his younger days, he used to manage
the Dagenham Girl Pipers.

322
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,890
Now he can only manage three or four of
them.

323
00:25:19,340 --> 00:25:20,390
See?

324
00:25:21,220 --> 00:25:27,039
See, it was worth waiting for. Now, I
must tell you, yesterday, I was out in

325
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,500
garden, ascending the north face of the
rockery.

326
00:25:33,060 --> 00:25:34,740
I'll be honest, our front...

327
00:25:36,010 --> 00:25:40,609
Our front lawn has not been much to look
at lately, since five of our garden

328
00:25:40,610 --> 00:25:42,110
gnomes took early retirement.

329
00:25:43,190 --> 00:25:49,310
My wife had just finished unloading 25
sheets of glass from the back of the

330
00:25:49,311 --> 00:25:52,389
She said to me, don't you think it's
time we found a window cleaner who makes

331
00:25:52,390 --> 00:25:53,440
house calls?

332
00:25:57,130 --> 00:25:59,360
Takes a little while, that one, doesn't
it?

333
00:25:59,530 --> 00:26:02,210
Now, I know why she was a bit upset.

334
00:26:02,750 --> 00:26:04,800
It was that two -week holiday in
America.

335
00:26:04,850 --> 00:26:08,390
Didn't agree with her at all. She was
moody and miserable the entire

336
00:26:09,170 --> 00:26:11,640
Next time I'll have to take her with me,
I suppose.

337
00:26:12,030 --> 00:26:16,369
The reason I went to America, I'll be
frank, the reason I went to America, I

338
00:26:16,370 --> 00:26:19,500
actually taking part in the finals of
the Mr. Universe contest.

339
00:26:20,350 --> 00:26:23,550
I know that is hard to believe.

340
00:26:26,090 --> 00:26:30,630
It's very hard to believe, because I'm
not what is generally thought. You know,

341
00:26:30,670 --> 00:26:34,150
I was an American beefcake. Or a
Scottish shortcake.

342
00:26:35,530 --> 00:26:41,249
This was actually the Little Mr Universe
contest, sponsored by the magazine

343
00:26:41,250 --> 00:26:42,300
Munchkins Only.

344
00:26:43,410 --> 00:26:44,460
I digress.

345
00:26:44,650 --> 00:26:48,629
Now, and back to the joke I was going to
tell you, which concerns a little

346
00:26:48,630 --> 00:26:53,549
Scottish chap who goes on a train to
Falkirk to stay with some relations, you

347
00:26:53,550 --> 00:26:54,600
know. for Hogmanay.

348
00:26:54,601 --> 00:26:57,599
And he's determined to have a good time.
He's just splashed out in a reel of

349
00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,890
cotton to sew last year's crackers
together.

350
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:05,880
And he's all ready to celebrate in
style. So at 10 .30, he boards a

351
00:27:06,620 --> 00:27:08,970
She complains to the guard and he's
thrown off.

352
00:27:12,430 --> 00:27:14,490
I see the sort you're after. Anyway, no.

353
00:27:14,491 --> 00:27:18,429
No, he didn't do anything of the sort.
No, he's travelling along in the train,

354
00:27:18,430 --> 00:27:22,149
minding his own business, when at this
moment the door slides open and in comes

355
00:27:22,150 --> 00:27:25,850
the guard and demands that he see the
Scotsman's ticket, which he duly

356
00:27:25,851 --> 00:27:29,609
Just a minute, the guard says. Just a
minute. He says, the ticket's out of

357
00:27:29,610 --> 00:27:32,630
Out in date, exclaims the Scotch chap.
Out in date.

358
00:27:32,631 --> 00:27:37,109
What are you talking about? He says,
I've been talking to Steve Farley for

359
00:27:37,110 --> 00:27:38,850
ticket and it's only been used once.

360
00:27:38,851 --> 00:27:42,889
I said, have I had it specially this
morning? He says, good as new, I tell

361
00:27:42,890 --> 00:27:45,489
The guard says, come on, come on, you
can't travel on this train without a

362
00:27:45,490 --> 00:27:46,750
ticket. Cough up the money.

363
00:27:46,751 --> 00:27:49,669
Well, at the mention of the word money,
the Scotsman comes all over Fane. He

364
00:27:49,670 --> 00:27:53,469
says, OK, he says, you can't do this to
me. He says, I'm not at all well. He

365
00:27:53,470 --> 00:27:56,149
says, I've got this terrible, terrible
pain. He says, oh, it's absolutely

366
00:27:56,150 --> 00:27:57,830
terrible, terrible, this pain.

367
00:27:58,070 --> 00:28:01,560
Well, the guard is... just unimpressed
by this pathetic piece of acting.

368
00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:03,460
I'm not too impressed with it myself.

369
00:28:03,461 --> 00:28:07,779
And he immediately snatches up the
Scotsman's suitcase and he opens the

370
00:28:07,780 --> 00:28:10,719
and he says, now look here, he says, you
tight -fisted old scrooge, either you

371
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,419
pay up now or I'm throwing the suitcase
of yours straight out the window. And

372
00:28:13,420 --> 00:28:16,039
the Scotsman says, oh, he says, my God,
he says, that's a typical Sassenach

373
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,439
trick. First of all, you try and rob me
of all my money. Now you want to kill my

374
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:20,490
only son.

375
00:28:32,650 --> 00:28:35,210
I wish I had enough money to buy an
elephant.

376
00:28:35,670 --> 00:28:37,590
What do you want an elephant for, then?

377
00:28:38,110 --> 00:28:39,850
I don't. I just want the money.

378
00:28:41,250 --> 00:28:43,430
What is the largest known diamond?

379
00:28:44,990 --> 00:28:46,110
The ace, isn't it?

380
00:28:47,410 --> 00:28:48,460
No, diamond.

381
00:28:48,590 --> 00:28:50,390
Jewelry, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

382
00:28:50,730 --> 00:28:51,780
Koh -in -oh.

383
00:28:52,450 --> 00:28:53,500
Koh -in -what?

384
00:28:53,510 --> 00:28:54,560
Koh -in -oh.

385
00:28:54,670 --> 00:28:57,390
Oh. Of course, you might know it'd be
Jewish.

386
00:28:59,030 --> 00:29:00,080
It's Indian.

387
00:29:00,630 --> 00:29:01,680
Oh, yeah?

388
00:29:02,929 --> 00:29:04,510
Nice to own that, wouldn't it?

389
00:29:05,130 --> 00:29:08,440
Well, you'd have to be Rockefeller to
own that, wouldn't you, eh?

390
00:29:09,230 --> 00:29:14,830
You know, if I was as rich as
Rockefeller, I'd be richer than

391
00:29:16,250 --> 00:29:17,300
Oh, is that it?

392
00:29:18,310 --> 00:29:20,450
I'd do a bit of window cleaning on the
side.

393
00:30:48,780 --> 00:30:51,180
to present ourselves are me. And it is
him.

394
00:30:51,380 --> 00:30:53,220
My name is John Dean.

395
00:30:53,420 --> 00:30:54,640
And his name is Jim.

396
00:30:54,980 --> 00:30:58,220
Same cords and same pants. Now that
isn't by chance.

397
00:30:58,420 --> 00:31:04,920
And before we go on with the show, there
is one thing that you ought to know.

398
00:31:05,340 --> 00:31:09,420
We're alike as two peas from different
sized pods.

399
00:31:09,700 --> 00:31:12,220
We differ in similar ways.

400
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:16,820
He plays to the gallery. I play to the
gods.

401
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:22,360
I get the cat. And he gets the phrase,
ah, Milan, he's bitter.

402
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:24,180
He's joking, I'm cheese.

403
00:31:24,740 --> 00:31:27,060
And even though never at odds,

404
00:31:27,860 --> 00:31:33,059
we're like different apples from
different -sized trees or two peas from

405
00:31:33,060 --> 00:31:34,540
different -sized pods.

406
00:31:35,180 --> 00:31:39,060
We're alike as two peas from different
-sized pods.

407
00:31:39,260 --> 00:31:41,860
We differ in similar ways.

408
00:31:42,700 --> 00:31:44,760
He plays to the gallery.

409
00:31:45,020 --> 00:31:48,600
I play to the gods. I get the cackle.

410
00:32:07,571 --> 00:32:14,399
You've done this, my reading act. I
can't remember how it goes. Yes, you can

411
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:15,359
remember it.

412
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:19,339
It's the first letter of every word that
I say spells out the object. Now, for

413
00:32:19,340 --> 00:32:22,420
instance, if I've got a comb, I say,
come on, my boy.

414
00:32:22,780 --> 00:32:24,440
C -O -M -B, see? Comb.

415
00:32:24,441 --> 00:32:27,859
You think you can handle this? Well,
have I ever let you down? Yes, you did,

416
00:32:27,860 --> 00:32:31,230
when we did that memory manor. Don't
remember that. It was yesterday.

417
00:32:36,141 --> 00:32:41,569
First letter of each word that counts,
right? I know, I know.

418
00:32:41,570 --> 00:32:46,369
Now, ladies and gentlemen, in an amazing
display of thought transference, my

419
00:32:46,370 --> 00:32:51,209
partner, Mr. Jim Lockstock, will attempt
to identify various ordinary objects

420
00:32:51,210 --> 00:32:54,649
while completely blindfolded. Thank you
very much, my partner, Mr. Jim

421
00:32:54,650 --> 00:32:56,729
Lockstock. Now, sir, what about you,
sir?

422
00:32:56,730 --> 00:32:59,329
Something, anything at random. Give me
something that you have in your

423
00:32:59,330 --> 00:33:00,749
possession, sir. Thank you very much
indeed.

424
00:33:00,750 --> 00:33:01,800
That will do fine.

425
00:33:01,830 --> 00:33:06,650
Now, witness his incredible telepathy,
everyone.

426
00:33:07,610 --> 00:33:08,660
His...

427
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:12,280
Natural, kinetic, intuitive energy.

428
00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:15,260
Oh, it's coming now.

429
00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:19,900
White honky.

430
00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:25,780
Well, he can't spell now.

431
00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:29,360
Try again. Nearly right, sir. Try once
more, please.

432
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:32,820
White with four corners.

433
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,100
Tablecloth. Smaller.

434
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,200
Hunky. Absolutely correct.

435
00:33:41,580 --> 00:33:45,700
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Now, an
object at random from the table.

436
00:33:47,380 --> 00:33:53,240
Now, be accurate now. Answer nice and
slowly.

437
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:58,260
Um... Bandanas.

438
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,360
They're yellow and they come in bunches.

439
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:04,920
Japanese tourists.

440
00:34:15,150 --> 00:34:17,570
of something long and thin and fruity.

441
00:34:19,170 --> 00:34:20,850
It's not that Chief Stewart again.

442
00:34:23,510 --> 00:34:27,550
There are seven letters that start with
B and rhyme with piranhas. Banana!

443
00:34:28,570 --> 00:34:30,929
How did we do?

444
00:34:31,210 --> 00:34:34,030
It's a miracle, ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Jim Lockhart.

445
00:34:34,270 --> 00:34:35,320
Yeah?

446
00:34:39,449 --> 00:34:40,750
They do nicely.

447
00:34:46,219 --> 00:34:47,269
Oh, why, Honky?

448
00:34:47,270 --> 00:34:51,039
I haven't been so embarrassed since we
did that hypnotist act at the Downing

449
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:54,230
Street Christmas party. You put Sir
Geoffrey Howe into a trance.

450
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:59,420
That was ten years ago. I know. And
sooner or later, someone's going to

451
00:35:01,931 --> 00:35:03,459
Shall

452
00:35:03,460 --> 00:35:11,439
we

453
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:12,490
finish this cruise?

454
00:35:12,491 --> 00:35:16,099
We're going to get ourselves a brand
new... Routine, there we are. A thousand

455
00:35:16,100 --> 00:35:19,539
quid should buy us some decent material
when we get back to London. Here, where

456
00:35:19,540 --> 00:35:22,730
did that come from? I've saved it,
haven't I? I've just saved it.

457
00:35:22,731 --> 00:35:26,339
Saved a little bit every job while
you've been blowing yours on that

458
00:35:26,340 --> 00:35:27,390
wheel.

459
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:31,200
Well, my lad, that is our future
careers. So hands off it, right?

460
00:35:35,900 --> 00:35:38,550
Now, come on, we've got an hour before
we're on again.

461
00:35:38,620 --> 00:35:41,090
I'm going for a jar, come here. No, not
tonight, no.

462
00:35:41,220 --> 00:35:42,270
I'm a bit short.

463
00:35:46,060 --> 00:35:48,160
I've practised this sescapology routine.

464
00:35:48,500 --> 00:35:49,550
OK, leave yourself.

465
00:35:50,380 --> 00:35:52,060
I'll see you later. Yeah, all right.

466
00:36:12,781 --> 00:36:17,469
I thought you were brilliant on that
stage tonight.

467
00:36:17,470 --> 00:36:18,710
Oh, not very much.

468
00:36:19,030 --> 00:36:22,570
It takes real courage to stand up there
with an act as terrible as that.

469
00:36:24,110 --> 00:36:27,690
I thought you were marvellous. Oh, thank
you.

470
00:36:28,350 --> 00:36:30,580
Oh, look, your little friend has popped
out.

471
00:36:30,970 --> 00:36:32,020
Oh,

472
00:36:33,270 --> 00:36:36,510
yeah, I know where he's going. He's off
to the casino.

473
00:36:36,950 --> 00:36:38,770
I thought he didn't have any money.

474
00:36:39,610 --> 00:36:41,810
It's so noisy in here, isn't it?

475
00:36:42,470 --> 00:36:44,730
Why don't we go back to...

476
00:36:46,420 --> 00:36:47,860
That is a key.

477
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,440
I'm 38D.

478
00:36:52,420 --> 00:36:55,180
Can you remember that? Oh, I'll never
forget a fact.

479
00:36:56,220 --> 00:36:58,920
You carry on. I'll join you in a second.

480
00:37:12,980 --> 00:37:14,140
Nice work, dear.

481
00:37:19,950 --> 00:37:21,000
Got the stone?

482
00:37:21,450 --> 00:37:22,500
Voila.

483
00:37:23,870 --> 00:37:27,330
Are you sure this is the only way we can
smuggle it off the boat?

484
00:37:27,331 --> 00:37:30,669
Nobody's going to suspect those two
plonkheads are carrying around a stolen

485
00:37:30,670 --> 00:37:35,050
diamond. Just plant it inside Porky's
jacket lining and then stitch it up.

486
00:37:35,590 --> 00:37:37,700
We'll get it back later when we're
ashore.

487
00:37:38,070 --> 00:37:41,370
Then we'll stitch them up.

488
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:55,810
That's nice.

489
00:37:58,040 --> 00:37:59,090
You're terrific.

490
00:37:59,260 --> 00:38:01,140
I've never seen such an animal.

491
00:38:02,420 --> 00:38:04,220
I call it my sausage dog.

492
00:38:05,340 --> 00:38:07,570
Would you like to see my dog build
platypus?

493
00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:09,220
Oh. Don't take a minute.

494
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:10,620
Oh, I can't wait.

495
00:38:10,621 --> 00:38:11,979
Oh, dear.

496
00:38:11,980 --> 00:38:16,260
I'll, um, I'll just hang up your jacket.

497
00:38:25,070 --> 00:38:28,190
I used to do a whole act like this, you
know, with balloons.

498
00:38:29,770 --> 00:38:33,790
I once made a full -size model of Dolly
Parton entirely from balloons.

499
00:38:34,130 --> 00:38:35,180
Oh, yeah?

500
00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:41,440
Trouble is, two of them went off bang.
It finished up as Boy George.

501
00:38:43,861 --> 00:38:49,209
I've been ordered by my superiors to
search for a ship.

502
00:38:49,210 --> 00:38:52,160
We're looking for the moon of Bangalore.
Moon of Bangalore.

503
00:38:52,170 --> 00:38:55,420
One of the most valuable diamonds in the
world, Captain. Really?

504
00:38:55,421 --> 00:38:58,629
We have reason to believe that the
thieves were on this yacht.

505
00:38:58,630 --> 00:39:01,229
I'm afraid my officers will have to
search every one.

506
00:39:01,230 --> 00:39:02,280
Very well.

507
00:39:03,330 --> 00:39:04,650
What have you done with it?

508
00:39:04,770 --> 00:39:07,590
What? I've just been back to the cabin.
The money's gone.

509
00:39:07,591 --> 00:39:10,849
You've blown it all on that flaming
wheel, haven't you? You're wittering,

510
00:39:10,850 --> 00:39:12,770
wittering. I can explain everything.

511
00:39:13,230 --> 00:39:15,400
I'll swing for you. I'll tell you. I'll
swing.

512
00:39:16,410 --> 00:39:17,460
What's that?

513
00:39:19,310 --> 00:39:20,570
Where did that come from?

514
00:39:20,571 --> 00:39:21,869
That's the moon.

515
00:39:21,870 --> 00:39:22,920
Bangalore, that is.

516
00:39:23,390 --> 00:39:27,180
The moon of Bangalore? What's that, some
kind of open -air brothel or what?

517
00:39:27,181 --> 00:39:32,369
Merchandise, that is. The police are
looking for that, just had them say so.

518
00:39:32,370 --> 00:39:34,350
They're searching everyone on the boat.

519
00:40:37,971 --> 00:40:41,899
with a little something in my cabin
tonight.

520
00:40:41,900 --> 00:40:43,300
This is my lucky day.

521
00:40:44,500 --> 00:40:49,239
It's only a trifle. It may be a trifle
to you, sir, but it's all the world to

522
00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:50,290
me.

523
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:55,120
I'd just like that one brought to my
cabin tonight, all right? My pleasure,

524
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:56,250
They all say that.

525
00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:58,420
Oh, hey, there's another one of them.

526
00:40:58,640 --> 00:40:59,690
Oh!

527
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:03,680
I don't like policemen.

528
00:41:04,100 --> 00:41:05,680
This calls for a change of plan.

529
00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:08,180
Neville? Yes, Captain?

530
00:41:14,570 --> 00:41:17,040
We've got to get that stone back before
the law do.

531
00:41:21,150 --> 00:41:22,200
Come in.

532
00:41:22,291 --> 00:41:26,089
Tribal, sir. Ordered for this carriage.

533
00:41:26,090 --> 00:41:27,570
Oh, very kind. Thank you.

534
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:48,130
Uh -huh.

535
00:41:48,220 --> 00:41:49,270
Uh -huh.

536
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:50,650
Uh -huh.

537
00:41:53,300 --> 00:41:54,920
Don't mess me about, Paddy.

538
00:41:55,260 --> 00:41:58,920
Neville here can turn very ugly when he
wants to. Pretty ugly now.

539
00:41:59,980 --> 00:42:04,440
What a joke, Neville. I hit it in the
trifle, honest.

540
00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:06,010
Get it.

541
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:08,130
Oh,

542
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:11,050
God.

543
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:22,690
or wherever you've been, you're
absolutely dreadful.

544
00:42:22,691 --> 00:42:26,479
Oh, dear, I swear there was something in
that trifle. Just brought the whole lot

545
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:27,530
up over the side.

546
00:42:54,031 --> 00:42:55,799
Sweet, sir.

547
00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:56,940
Don't start that again.

548
00:42:58,860 --> 00:42:59,910
Unordered.

549
00:43:00,860 --> 00:43:03,660
That's my trifle. They're ever so
popular tonight.

550
00:43:03,860 --> 00:43:06,270
Your colleague ordered one himself
earlier on.

551
00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:07,610
He did?

552
00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:13,760
I love you.

553
00:43:25,011 --> 00:43:31,359
Ladies and gentlemen, they've been great
sports. They've given us great laughs.

554
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:33,220
Give them a round of applause, please.

555
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:39,080
Excuse me, sir. This had to be you, was
it? And is that your wristwatch, madam?

556
00:43:39,300 --> 00:43:41,770
And excuse me, sir, is this your
cigarette case?

557
00:43:41,771 --> 00:43:46,159
And your necklace, madam. There we are.
And your bracelet. There we are. And, of

558
00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:49,110
course, your wristwatch again, madam.
Thank you very much.

559
00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:50,720
And is that your bra?

560
00:43:54,500 --> 00:43:57,080
And, sir, are these your braces?

561
00:44:05,819 --> 00:44:10,220
And tell me, madam, is this your
diamond?

562
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:16,680
Gatlin, he's found the diamond for us.
You great, painless, boneheaded fuck!

563
00:44:22,540 --> 00:44:28,940
We're alike as two peas from different
sized pods. We differ in similar ways.

564
00:44:29,580 --> 00:44:31,700
He plays to the gallery.

565
00:44:33,100 --> 00:44:35,420
I get the cuckold.

566
00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:38,560
And he gets the praise. He's mild and
I'm bitter.

567
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:40,300
He's chalk and I'm cheese.

568
00:44:40,780 --> 00:44:43,000
Uneven but never at all.

569
00:44:43,720 --> 00:44:49,179
We're alike as two apples from different
size trees. Or two peas from different

570
00:44:49,180 --> 00:44:50,230
size pods.

571
00:44:50,660 --> 00:44:52,740
We're pepper, we're mustard.

572
00:44:53,020 --> 00:44:54,420
We're rhubarb and custard.

573
00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:57,100
We're two peas from different...

574
00:45:16,571 --> 00:45:23,519
Well, that seems to be just about all we
have time for, doesn't it, Ron? Yes,

575
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:28,979
indeed it does. But before we go, a few
late items of news. Due to a mix -up in

576
00:45:28,980 --> 00:45:33,279
a spare parts operation today, the
patient emerged half man, half woman,

577
00:45:33,280 --> 00:45:35,320
half comprehensive school math teacher.

578
00:45:37,620 --> 00:45:42,159
There was a great welcome today for the
Brighton man who has just returned from

579
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:43,720
a sponsored walk to the Arctic.

580
00:45:43,980 --> 00:45:48,179
He sat down for three days at the North
Pole and has come back with some very

581
00:45:48,180 --> 00:45:49,560
well -developed Polaroids.

582
00:45:49,561 --> 00:45:56,859
And there's a novel twist in the plot of
the new British Western, premiered in

583
00:45:56,860 --> 00:46:00,359
the West End tonight, starring Larry
Grayson, Russell Grant and Kenneth

584
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:02,120
Williams. Nobody gets the girl.

585
00:46:04,540 --> 00:46:09,480
Tommy Boggs, the man who tonight scored
England's first goal for eight games,

586
00:46:09,481 --> 00:46:12,959
will not be available for next week's
match against Hungary. He's out of the

587
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:15,310
game for three weeks with multiple love
bites.

588
00:46:17,580 --> 00:46:21,909
And finally... A divorce was granted
today to comedian Stan Waggis on the

589
00:46:21,910 --> 00:46:26,329
grounds that his wife kept asking him to
participate in an unnatural act. She

590
00:46:26,330 --> 00:46:28,620
wanted him to team up with Hinge and
Brackett.

591
00:46:28,950 --> 00:46:33,149
In the next week's programme, we'll be
meeting notorious shoplifter Fingers

592
00:46:33,150 --> 00:46:37,310
Pushkin, who last week stole a very
heavy safe and bankruptured himself.

593
00:46:39,070 --> 00:46:42,320
We shall also be looking at where the
stars go for their holidays.

594
00:46:42,321 --> 00:46:45,889
We'll see Victoria Principal in the
Windward Islands because she's into

595
00:46:45,890 --> 00:46:49,980
windsurfing. Dolly Parton in the Swiss
Alps, because she's into mountaineering.

596
00:46:50,150 --> 00:46:52,190
And Joan Collins in the Virgin Islands.

597
00:46:54,970 --> 00:46:56,490
Because she's into nostalgia.

598
00:46:56,491 --> 00:47:01,279
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

599
00:47:01,280 --> 00:47:05,830
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